Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I have reason over the last couple of weeks to consider the notion of heartache. It's a very strange thing. How can an emotional response to something cause such a physical pain? Sometimes I feel as if something has been wrenched from my gut. The feeling can be overwhelming, and makes it hard to breathe. I want to roar. Then it dies down and I feel almost normal again. For a while. Tears are never far away, I seem to have an endless supply of salty liquid. I need to sob and curl up in a ball. Then I feel positive and strong again. Until the next wave. My chest feels as if it has a tight suit of armour round it and I will never escape. No one has died. This is grief for the end of a way of life, a change in my role and how I define myself. How I have defined myself for the last 23 years. Although many things continue on in the same way, this subtle change threatens to overwhelm me. I watch a friend who is coping with real grief, real bereavement, and I wonder how I will ever deal with that. I try to hide it from my children, because these feelings are caused by one child leaving home to live away at university. I don't need them to feel guilty for growing up and leaving, it's normal. It's the way the world works. I remember how I felt when I spread my own wings, how exciting it was, and how wonderful the world was. I am glad that my son can feel that. So why then do I want to die? Why do I go upstairs and bury my face in his dressing gown which stills smells of him? Why do I get into a breathless panic when I haven't heard from him that day? Why does my body feel as if it is ripped apart?


  1. This is a quote that I just came across and I though of what you are going through.

    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


  2. thanks Vicky, I love that.....and thank goodness for Skype and Facebook.....and chocolate!

  3. It is very heartbreaking when the children leave the nest and they do have to spread their wings but we have to be grateful for modern technology I dont know how parents coped in other days when communication was only a letter .